I was thinking the other day about the words Pastor Smith spoke regarding his Sermon on Matthew 16: 23-26:
23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Pastor Smith reminded us about suffering and about sacrifice. He reminded us that not once in the Bible does God say that because we believe in Jesus, because we call ourselves Christians, we will live a favored, care-free life. John 16:33 says:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Even Paul boasts of his suffering in 2 Corinthians 11:
I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.
As I reflected on these passages and on Pastor Smith's Sermon, I had to ask myself when and where did we as Christians adopt the notion that because we believe we are entitled to a certain pampering from the world? Why do many of us---myself included---tend to think we should have little to no financial burdens? Why do we think ourselves and our families should be excluded from the curse of diseases such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc...? Why do we think our kids should be healthy and hard-working? Why do we think day after day things should just fall into place? I'm a Christian, what do you mean I'm getting a speeding ticket? Doesn't God know I was late for work? That I can't afford to pay the $120 fine? Doesn't God know I don't have the time to be sick? Doesn't He realize I'm a believer and that I don't have the energy to deal with problems with my kids or their teachers or their coaches or their homework, attitude, or apathy? Why is life turning out to be difficult for me, God, if I am one of Yours?
God never promised us wealth. He never promised us a healthy, easy life. He never promised us that we would lead a life free of problems, calamities, disasters, death, disease, and heartache...just because we pull the name badge out of our desk that says, "Hi, I'm a Christian," There is no Christian equivalent to the HOV lane that will allow our exclusive club members to coast through life passing by all those "other people" as they suffer and wrestle with the world. This isn't a Country Club mentality where we can argue that because we come to church a few Sundays a month and contribute money to the offering plate and occasionally volunteer to help out we should automatically be catered to by God.
Here's what God has promised us:
Philippians 4:19: And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. He promised to meet our needs not our wants and earthly desires. God desires our spiritual well-being, not our earthly well-being. And like a good parent who truly knows what is best for his/her child, so it is with God who knows what is best for each of us.
Mark 16:16: Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. God promises salvation to those who believe and are baptized in that faith.
2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” He promises us sufficient grace and mercy. His grace is His gift to us so that we can be more effectively equipped to deal with the troubles and tribulations in this world. See also Ephesians 2:8: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. God promises to work through us who believe in Him to do good in this world. He will use us to bring about His will and His mercy to a fallen world.
1 Corinthians 15:56-57: The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. God has promised us victory over death. He has promised us resurrection.
Acts 2:38: “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." God has promised us that if we truly come to Him with a repentive heart, our sins are forgiven us. He has promised us the gifting of the Holy Spirit.
John 10:27-28: 27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. God promises us that once we are His, we will always be His and no power on this earth can take us from Him.
and most importantly....
John 3:16: 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Through the gift of His son, Jesus Christ, God has promised us eternal life with Him.
You see, nowhere does it say wealth. Nowhere does it describe a cakewalk or anything remotely close to ease. Just because we believe, God does not say we will be taken care of on this earth. Christians in general and American Christians in particular need to not be lulled into a state of entitlement. "I am so therefore I deserve." No. Just because "you are" doesn't mean squat. It's what you do with your "you" that's important to God. It's the spiritual "you" that matters. So what, you're a Christian...now what? What are you going to do about that? When was the last time that your faith led you to be...
1. Challenged openly by non-believers for being a Christian?
2. Called into the wilderness to fast for 40 days?
3. Tempted by Satan yet you did not give in to the sin?
4. Thrown in jail, imprisoned, starved, beaten, and abuse because your faith runs counter with mainstream culture?
5. Betrayed by people closest to you because of your beliefs?
6. Spat on, beaten, publically ridiculed, and insulted?
7. Scourged 39 times?
8. Crowned with a wreath of inch-long thorns?
9. Forced to carry a cross?
10. Nailed to a cross and hung left to die for all the world to see?
Have you had to experience any of these things? I know I haven't. And what I need to remember about my faith and my oft-visited self-pity party in which I wonder why I don't get this, that, or the other thing...why God hasn't "blessed me" in a way I see fit...when I get to those moments, it would be healthy for me to remember that I live a pretty good life...a very blessed one, in fact, and until I experience all of the things listed above, I have no room for complaining or feeling entitled.
.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Attraction of Distraction
I can be easily distracted. In fact, I find distraction sometimes an attractive alternative to routine. I can't say I'm an expert at multi-tasking, but I do enjoy a good exercise in juggling every so often. I am aware of this fetish, if you will, with being distracted. I like the challenge of trying to keep track of lots and lots of things. Maybe that's why my wife and I ended up with 4 kids? Of course, biology had something to do with that, as well; however, at the end of the day, when all the kids are tucked in bed sleeping, all the things are checked off the mental checklist in my head, and I can think back on all my wife and I accomplished just to "get through the day", I'd be lying if I said there wasn't just a little bit of pride.
I also know distractions play a role in what we deem important. Personal distractions like going out with friends, playing sports, coaching, etc...are things we might not view as negative activities. It's the "me time" we all need to re-energize and re-focus. But how much of that is truly unnecessary? How much of that takes away from times we could and should be giving back to God? Do I chose to be distracted by these things instead of participating in a week night Bible Study? Do I allow my self to say "yes" to coaching when I know I will then end up missing many Sunday services or Wednesday services during Lent of Advent? Do I commit half-heartedly as a volunteer to a small local missions group yet knowing that if something better and "more entertaining" comes along I plead ignorance to my prior commitment or simply say "I can't help any longer"? Do I choose to spend my time watching my favorite TV show rather than picking a chapter or two in one of the many books of the Bible and just reading it over and meditating about it? I know I am guilty of several of these things. It's hard to break the routine of distraction and re-vamp my life so that I place a greater importance on God-things rather than human-things.
Are you financially distracted? I've come a long way in this department, but I still find myself throwing money at things that are basically distractions. The money I have isn't really mine. it belongs to God. He has blessed me with it; yet, I continue to not hesitate giving that money away in exchange for a few coffees a week, a car wash here and there, fast food, Shamrock Shakes, fantasy football, wings, and other stupid things that I really don't need. I actually have a budget that I stick to pretty consistently; but, routine breeds boredom, it seems, and every so often I allow myself to get distracted and throw money away.
Distractions are a perfect blend of fun and frenzy. We can get addicted to a the distractive way of life. And they are everywhere! We find them on the TV. On our "smart phones. On the radio. When we are on the sidelines of our kids' sporting events. On the billboards along the side of the roads we drive on. We have become so use to distractions that in some way they are becoming routine. Like that saying, "the only thing that is consistent about me is that I'm inconsistent." The play on words becomes the new reality. And before we know it, we start priding ourselves on our ability to multi-task and manage distractions in a very efficient way. It becomes a badge of honor among parents to brag how involved their kids are in 18 hundred different things. We throw bumper stickers on our cars to show the world how many places we've gone and what we can throw our money at. We post on Facebook all the little triumphs and conquests and accomplishments, even if it's what we simply consumed for breakfast or bought at the store, and post it to prove we are busy, we are managing, we are succeeding, we are the masters of distraction. We wear our race shirts and vacation shirts and our souvenir hats to showcase our achievements. We are very good at advertising our own amazing ability to deal with distractions.
But is that a good thing? if it is; if we are so good at it; if it's something we thrive on....
then why is the sound of silence so refreshing?
why do find ourselves wishing to "get away"?
why do so many of us wish things were "like they were in the old days"?
why is the quiet awakening of a summer morning so soothing?
why does the sound of crickets chirping at twilight elicit such a sense of calm?
why is the simply beauty of a crackling fire on a fall evening so alluring to us?
To me, I think God uses those moments to bring us back. To collect what is His and wrap us in those calm, serene arms of His and simply sooth us with the reassurance that we are just perfect to Him the way we are. He doesn't care about bumper stickers or bowling trophies. He could care less how many things we can fit into each day. If you run a marathon or simply take a quiet walk through a park, it's all the same to Him. You get no trophies in Heaven for your ability to multi-task your way through this life. God simply loves you. He wants to be your only distraction. He wants your time and attention and focus. He is jealous for it.
If we can all just get distracted from our distractions for a while...replace the routine of always trying to do everything with just allowing God to move in and through you to where He wants you to be, maybe we can accomplish more than we are accomplishing now. We could love more. give more. care more. pray more. reflect more. laugh more. be more thankful. maybe...just maybe, we could be more.
I love this song by Toby Mac...sorta sums up the feeling of a distraction-free life....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldXVmKvUExw
I also know distractions play a role in what we deem important. Personal distractions like going out with friends, playing sports, coaching, etc...are things we might not view as negative activities. It's the "me time" we all need to re-energize and re-focus. But how much of that is truly unnecessary? How much of that takes away from times we could and should be giving back to God? Do I chose to be distracted by these things instead of participating in a week night Bible Study? Do I allow my self to say "yes" to coaching when I know I will then end up missing many Sunday services or Wednesday services during Lent of Advent? Do I commit half-heartedly as a volunteer to a small local missions group yet knowing that if something better and "more entertaining" comes along I plead ignorance to my prior commitment or simply say "I can't help any longer"? Do I choose to spend my time watching my favorite TV show rather than picking a chapter or two in one of the many books of the Bible and just reading it over and meditating about it? I know I am guilty of several of these things. It's hard to break the routine of distraction and re-vamp my life so that I place a greater importance on God-things rather than human-things.
Are you financially distracted? I've come a long way in this department, but I still find myself throwing money at things that are basically distractions. The money I have isn't really mine. it belongs to God. He has blessed me with it; yet, I continue to not hesitate giving that money away in exchange for a few coffees a week, a car wash here and there, fast food, Shamrock Shakes, fantasy football, wings, and other stupid things that I really don't need. I actually have a budget that I stick to pretty consistently; but, routine breeds boredom, it seems, and every so often I allow myself to get distracted and throw money away.
Distractions are a perfect blend of fun and frenzy. We can get addicted to a the distractive way of life. And they are everywhere! We find them on the TV. On our "smart phones. On the radio. When we are on the sidelines of our kids' sporting events. On the billboards along the side of the roads we drive on. We have become so use to distractions that in some way they are becoming routine. Like that saying, "the only thing that is consistent about me is that I'm inconsistent." The play on words becomes the new reality. And before we know it, we start priding ourselves on our ability to multi-task and manage distractions in a very efficient way. It becomes a badge of honor among parents to brag how involved their kids are in 18 hundred different things. We throw bumper stickers on our cars to show the world how many places we've gone and what we can throw our money at. We post on Facebook all the little triumphs and conquests and accomplishments, even if it's what we simply consumed for breakfast or bought at the store, and post it to prove we are busy, we are managing, we are succeeding, we are the masters of distraction. We wear our race shirts and vacation shirts and our souvenir hats to showcase our achievements. We are very good at advertising our own amazing ability to deal with distractions.
But is that a good thing? if it is; if we are so good at it; if it's something we thrive on....
then why is the sound of silence so refreshing?
why do find ourselves wishing to "get away"?
why do so many of us wish things were "like they were in the old days"?
why is the quiet awakening of a summer morning so soothing?
why does the sound of crickets chirping at twilight elicit such a sense of calm?
why is the simply beauty of a crackling fire on a fall evening so alluring to us?
To me, I think God uses those moments to bring us back. To collect what is His and wrap us in those calm, serene arms of His and simply sooth us with the reassurance that we are just perfect to Him the way we are. He doesn't care about bumper stickers or bowling trophies. He could care less how many things we can fit into each day. If you run a marathon or simply take a quiet walk through a park, it's all the same to Him. You get no trophies in Heaven for your ability to multi-task your way through this life. God simply loves you. He wants to be your only distraction. He wants your time and attention and focus. He is jealous for it.
If we can all just get distracted from our distractions for a while...replace the routine of always trying to do everything with just allowing God to move in and through you to where He wants you to be, maybe we can accomplish more than we are accomplishing now. We could love more. give more. care more. pray more. reflect more. laugh more. be more thankful. maybe...just maybe, we could be more.
I love this song by Toby Mac...sorta sums up the feeling of a distraction-free life....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldXVmKvUExw
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Luke 15:32
The parable of the prodigal son is one of my favorites. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.
Those words by Jesus resonate so deeply within me every time I read them.
Those words by Jesus resonate so deeply within me every time I read them.
I once was lost, but now I'm found
I once was lost, but now I'm found
So far away, but I'm home now
I once was lost, but now I'm found
I once was lost, but now I'm found
So far away, but I'm home now
I once was lost, but now I'm found
These words are from Casting Crown's song, "And Now My Lifesong Sings." Again, simple yet profound. Basic, nothing fancy, but somehow they speak into me in a way words cannot describe. I think that's why I am so drawn to movies and books that deal with people who stray so far to the left to even the point of death but then through some act of courage from within or from someone who loves them, they are saved; they overcome some terrible circumstance and wind up being stronger than they ever thought possible. Maybe that's why I love the original Star Wars Trilogy so much. Or am drawn to Bat Man or Iron Man...someone with a tragic flaw that makes them vulnerable and too human yet is somehow able to overcome some giant hurdle even despite themselves and their propensity to do the things they know they should not or cannot avoid doing. Hard to explain.
I like the idea that God is always there. Here. Now. Sitting beside me as I type this blog. Possibly watching my fingers as I am doing now, smiling a bit with the work He has created in me. Knowing with certainty (while I haven't a clue) just where I am heading in the next few minutes, few hours, few days, few weeks....you get the picture. It's comforting knowing He is here.
I was watching my youngest son the other day as he was sitting on the couch quietly reading his homework: Take-Home Reading Book. I was just staring at him, enjoying his lips moving every so slightly as he read to himself. Watching his forehead crinkle a bit as he struggled trying to pronounce a word. Watching as his eyes grew wide when he got to a cool part about Hercules. I felt such love for that little boy! I mean, I always do, but there was something so powerfully innocent in those moments. I didn't think he knew I was watching him, but then he suddenly looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back.
And as I sit here typing this, I imagine that God is sitting there watching me. Here. Now. Catching the nuances of my face as I talk myself through this post. Watching my eyebrows move up and down. Noticing how I tend to bite my lower lip when I'm trying to get just the right words to work. And I'm thinking He is looking upon me with the same exact love and tenderness I looked upon Eli. And that's comforting. Because I know with 8000% certainty I would die for my kids. That little boy reading on the couch? I'd die for him. In an instant. No question. And if I look upon my son that way, how much more does God look upon me? He already paid that price, in fact. And I stand amazed that He did that for me, a sinner. A lost one. One who sprinted out the proverbial church door as soon as I was old enough to do so. A sinner who wanted nothing to do with church or religion. A distrusting, lazy sinner who cared for nothing but himself. Lost. But now found.
God is here now. And all the lies I have been told by the world...all the promises of contentment in things and happiness in a worldly lifestyle; all the talking heads who beg me to think this and feel; all the fast-paced guilt-ridden tauntings of "you're not good enough if you're not doing.....", "you're not important enough if you don't have....", "you're not living if you don't believe...."...blahblahblah.....the prodigal son came home.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Future Tense God
I want to first of all thank everyone who responded via Facebook to my post yesterday. Truth be told, I did not intend to post something that made it appear that i was in this inconsolable pit of despair. That isn't the case, and I apologize if I gave that impression. I just needed to vent. I needed to spill out a bit of the gunk inside me; sorta babble my way through self-therapy. I realize that I have it very, very good. In fact, I am blessed in so many ways that to try to list them all would be a taunting task. Many of you who responded to the post have faced and lived through so terrible times; held up against mine, there would be no comparison. Some of you are going through crummy times right now; also, held against mine, no comparison. I get that. I understand that. And I have prayed for many of you as I have gotten to know the pain and struggles you have or are going through. Mine are childish in comparison. In fact, I have to relate an ironic little story. Last night, my wife proceeds to tell me what happened to a friend of ours. This past weekend she was in Virginia at her daughter's field hockey tournament. She gets slammed in the head by a field hockey ball right behind her right ear. Blood everywhere. Gets taken to the ER. 8 stitches and a lot of pain medication. They get home. Pain meds are out. Husband has to go out in search of a pharmacy open on a Sunday and ends up in Harrisburg at a 24 hour clinic. Gets home. Suddenly the family hears what sounds like gunfire coming from their backyard. Husband rushes everyone down to the basement and calls 911. Police show up and can't find anything or anyone. Wife is still in terrible pain. Both are teachers and report cards are due this week. So much chaos. I have it easy.
I guess the issue with me is that perception is reality. I perceive regret therefore I experience bitterness about the choices I have made. There is that saying that even though we may not have it as bad as the next person, the pain we experience in nonetheless real. Does it hold significance? Yes, it must, because it affects each of us in its own personal way. And the devil is sly. He knows what hurts each of us the most. He sends his little demons of Regret, Doubt, Lust, Gluttony, Selfishness, Anger, Apathy, Despair...he sends them out and attacks each of us where we are. When we let our guard down, the devil knows. He is slick. And cunning.
But the responses I got yesterday did help me to remember that our God is not a god of the past. He is a Future Tense God for He doesn't not dwell on what we have done in the past, but instead focuses on where He is taking us. And He will take us.
He will be by our sides.
He will walk with us near still waters and never let us go.
He will never leave us.
He will never deceive, betray, or disown us.
He will hold us accountable for our actions but in a loving, Fatherly way.
He will forgive us.
He will not hold a grudge or keep tabs on all our wrong-doings.
He will guide us by allowing us to make decisions, make mistakes, make blunders...He did not make us robots but humans.
He will love us unconditionally.
He will strengthen us in our lowest hour, cry with us when we are on our knees in despair, rejoice with us during our greatest victories.
He will walk us through the Wildereness.
He will greet the lost of us who finally come home.
Yes, God is a Future Tenser. I like that. Because living in the past can kill a person.
Again, thanks for all the comments, love, prayers, and openness!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhLYNGAjQLI
I guess the issue with me is that perception is reality. I perceive regret therefore I experience bitterness about the choices I have made. There is that saying that even though we may not have it as bad as the next person, the pain we experience in nonetheless real. Does it hold significance? Yes, it must, because it affects each of us in its own personal way. And the devil is sly. He knows what hurts each of us the most. He sends his little demons of Regret, Doubt, Lust, Gluttony, Selfishness, Anger, Apathy, Despair...he sends them out and attacks each of us where we are. When we let our guard down, the devil knows. He is slick. And cunning.
But the responses I got yesterday did help me to remember that our God is not a god of the past. He is a Future Tense God for He doesn't not dwell on what we have done in the past, but instead focuses on where He is taking us. And He will take us.
He will be by our sides.
He will walk with us near still waters and never let us go.
He will never leave us.
He will never deceive, betray, or disown us.
He will hold us accountable for our actions but in a loving, Fatherly way.
He will forgive us.
He will not hold a grudge or keep tabs on all our wrong-doings.
He will guide us by allowing us to make decisions, make mistakes, make blunders...He did not make us robots but humans.
He will love us unconditionally.
He will strengthen us in our lowest hour, cry with us when we are on our knees in despair, rejoice with us during our greatest victories.
He will walk us through the Wildereness.
He will greet the lost of us who finally come home.
Yes, God is a Future Tenser. I like that. Because living in the past can kill a person.
Again, thanks for all the comments, love, prayers, and openness!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhLYNGAjQLI
Monday, March 10, 2014
Past Tense Gods
I have to admit. I've been in a pretty bad funk lately. I can't put my finger on the exact reason why. I have my health. My family is very healthy. I have a good job. Great friends. I can pay my bills. I have clean water whenever I wish for it. Plenty of food. A non-leaking, warm roof over my head. I have a God who loves me. So this funk I am in bothers me because I cannot for the life of me figure out what's going on.
I had an inclination at one point today. It could've been fleeting, like many of my thoughts and "wonderful ideas", but it stuck. Maybe this is the issue.
I sometimes get in these valleys--these low, low points. Not quite depression, I hope, but maybe it is and I live in denial. Who knows. Regardless, these lows are very painful. They fill me with a blackness that covers everything in a filmy coating. Laughter isn't as belly-full. Talking with friends isn't as genuine. Interacting with my family seems shallow. It's odd. So what came to me was this idea of "past". I do admit that I find myself trying to relive past moments...the shoulda, coulda, woulda times when one decision I made over another may now, in the light of hindsight, have been the wrong one. Most people call it "regret". I hate that word. It's my least favorite R word. It's a terrible word. Synonymous with JAIL or PRISON. Because when I find myself in these blackened moods, it's oftentimes because of regret.
I'm not saying that I wish my life was different because then that would short-change God and His infinite wisdom. I guess what bothers me the most about my life are the habits I've formed, tendencies I've created, and philosophies I've chosen to live by that are now running counter to where I believe God is taking me. All because of past decisions that I made prior to wanting to take my faith life much more seriously.
I'm a perfectionist at heart. I find I expect a lot out of myself. Most of this is internal because to look at me, I could care less what I look like on the outside. I'm quite content with sweats, t-shirt, sneakers, and maybe the occasional combed hair look. But inside I do demand perfection from myself and get highly agitated when I feel like I've done something second-rate. Raising kids--especially teenagers--and being a perfectionist do not make good bed-fellows. Parenting has stretched the boundaries of how serious I want to take myself. And although I have come quite a long way, I still have so, so far to go, and I believe my low times stem from the regrets I have about my parenting decisions, my childhood, and my habit-forming tendencies when faced with adversity.
I decided today that REGRET is a Past Tense God. It is a God that truly competes for my attention on a daily basis. A single quick argument with my 15 year old son can conjure up this God in an instant. A balance of $22 in my checkbook conjures that God up, too. Talking with friends and reliving our childhood--things I missed coming from a broken home--calls that old God of Regret up, as well. So many instances, like sacrificing on an alter or lighting incense and praying fervently, call that God up. Why does that God respond so quickly when my true God, the God of this universe, take so long so often to answer prayers or to make Himself known? Why is the God of Regret so accessible when it lives only in the past? I can get very very frustrated and angry when I focus too much on this. I can shout out to God and say, "Why is being a Christian such hard work?!?" Convenience is not a Christian word. God doesn't work on conveniences. That bothers me.
But the thing about God is this: He doesn't worry about my past. He doesn't worry that I have little satisfaction when I reflect on my childhood. He doesn't concern Himself with all the failures and faults I've chalked up to immaturity, rash decision-making, or selfishness that comes with being human. God cares about the now and the tomorrow. He wants us where we are---right here and now, this very second---and He wants to work with us and through us to create a future that is unique to each of us. God cares about the fact that suffer through bouts of regret. He probably is pretty jealous that I devote long periods of my life bowing to Regret instead of Him. But He is the Light. Despite my being blinded by the darkness of regret right now, God knows my today. He knows my tomorrow. He is my Light and He will lead me home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs6blSoUmJ4
I had an inclination at one point today. It could've been fleeting, like many of my thoughts and "wonderful ideas", but it stuck. Maybe this is the issue.
I sometimes get in these valleys--these low, low points. Not quite depression, I hope, but maybe it is and I live in denial. Who knows. Regardless, these lows are very painful. They fill me with a blackness that covers everything in a filmy coating. Laughter isn't as belly-full. Talking with friends isn't as genuine. Interacting with my family seems shallow. It's odd. So what came to me was this idea of "past". I do admit that I find myself trying to relive past moments...the shoulda, coulda, woulda times when one decision I made over another may now, in the light of hindsight, have been the wrong one. Most people call it "regret". I hate that word. It's my least favorite R word. It's a terrible word. Synonymous with JAIL or PRISON. Because when I find myself in these blackened moods, it's oftentimes because of regret.
I'm not saying that I wish my life was different because then that would short-change God and His infinite wisdom. I guess what bothers me the most about my life are the habits I've formed, tendencies I've created, and philosophies I've chosen to live by that are now running counter to where I believe God is taking me. All because of past decisions that I made prior to wanting to take my faith life much more seriously.
I'm a perfectionist at heart. I find I expect a lot out of myself. Most of this is internal because to look at me, I could care less what I look like on the outside. I'm quite content with sweats, t-shirt, sneakers, and maybe the occasional combed hair look. But inside I do demand perfection from myself and get highly agitated when I feel like I've done something second-rate. Raising kids--especially teenagers--and being a perfectionist do not make good bed-fellows. Parenting has stretched the boundaries of how serious I want to take myself. And although I have come quite a long way, I still have so, so far to go, and I believe my low times stem from the regrets I have about my parenting decisions, my childhood, and my habit-forming tendencies when faced with adversity.
I decided today that REGRET is a Past Tense God. It is a God that truly competes for my attention on a daily basis. A single quick argument with my 15 year old son can conjure up this God in an instant. A balance of $22 in my checkbook conjures that God up, too. Talking with friends and reliving our childhood--things I missed coming from a broken home--calls that old God of Regret up, as well. So many instances, like sacrificing on an alter or lighting incense and praying fervently, call that God up. Why does that God respond so quickly when my true God, the God of this universe, take so long so often to answer prayers or to make Himself known? Why is the God of Regret so accessible when it lives only in the past? I can get very very frustrated and angry when I focus too much on this. I can shout out to God and say, "Why is being a Christian such hard work?!?" Convenience is not a Christian word. God doesn't work on conveniences. That bothers me.
But the thing about God is this: He doesn't worry about my past. He doesn't worry that I have little satisfaction when I reflect on my childhood. He doesn't concern Himself with all the failures and faults I've chalked up to immaturity, rash decision-making, or selfishness that comes with being human. God cares about the now and the tomorrow. He wants us where we are---right here and now, this very second---and He wants to work with us and through us to create a future that is unique to each of us. God cares about the fact that suffer through bouts of regret. He probably is pretty jealous that I devote long periods of my life bowing to Regret instead of Him. But He is the Light. Despite my being blinded by the darkness of regret right now, God knows my today. He knows my tomorrow. He is my Light and He will lead me home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs6blSoUmJ4
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