The Audacity (and Agony?) of Hope

I have started and stopped this blog many times.  Deleted it once, as well, before hitting "publish."  It's been a difficult thing to figure out, but I have been pressed internally to write about hope. 

Hope seems for me to be a foggy subject at best.  I have great difficulty with it.  I remember a time in my life when I was a very optimistic person.  But life has a way of rubbing away the luster of things.  Life has a way of oxidizing the shiniest of memories and the most promising futures and turning them to rusty old "use to be's" and "could've been's".  I'd be lying if I said life hasn't nearly beaten the hope right out of me.

And that's a tough place to be...hope-less.  Not totally without hope, but close.  I refuse to watch the news.  Don't read the newspapers or magazines.  Very rarely do I give a cursory glance at the headlines on FOXNews. com.  Too much pain and suffering.  Too much lost hope in morality of humankind.  Too much war and lying and distrust and pointing fingers.  It's hard to feel hope in a world like ours.  To be "ignorant" like I mentioned in a previous post is dangerous because then you become insulated from the important things going on in the world around you.  To a certain point, one needs to be educated or you run the risk of being taken advantage of, of being abused emotionally, or simply feeling left out and clueless.  That's not healthy.  But how does one become brave enough to hope in a world filled with so much evil and sin?

Hope does require courage.  Hope requires a bold fortitude that speaks out through word and/or deed against the world and what it stands for.  Hope is painful.  Hope is thankless.  Hope requires commitment and perseverance and diligence.  It's agonizing.  It's heartbreaking.  But it's necessary in order to live a life that is fully what and how God intends us to live. 

Lacking Hope means lacking Faith, right?  I think that's true.  Maybe not, but in my line of thinking, if you have hope you have faith.  If you have faith you have hope.  That SHOULD be how it works.  Faith in God and Jesus would ultimately lead to hope in the future regardless of circumstances.  If we have faith that when we pass from this earth we will gain a life with God, then there's no need to fear any sort of malady, evil, or stain of this world.  Our perception of our future on earth, good or bad, is pointless because Faith in God and His Son and belief in the work Jesus did on the cross cancels out any calamity we will face here.  Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  I love the word "conviction" here, because it carries such weight to it.  To be convicted in the intangible workings of God is a daunting task.  It goes against EVERYTHING we grow into as we move from the innocent musings of a child to the critical eyes of an adult.  It means we must protect (or relearn) that part of our nature that is in awe of and fully embracing of that Power in our lives that is Greater Than Us.  That belief that was once pure and unperverted by the world. 
That belief also gives each of us hope.  If we have hope, then there is a strong element of faith tied into it.  Hope means that we have a certain positive expectation about our future, and that can only come from a strong belief that God will lead us along the path that He knows is right for us.  It's knowing that things will turn out right no matter the experiences we face during  the journey.  It's also having a unquestionable trust in God, and not limiting what He can do and accomplish through us.  It's not trying to define "turn out alright" by our limited standards but rather by God's, which is incomprehensible to us. 

And this is where I agonize over faith and hope.  I have trust issues.  It's hard for me to give over that part of me that basically breaks the chains of control and offers them to God to use as He sees fit.  I struggle with deep deep valleys of distrust.  And those dark places are not pleasant to visit.  Trust can't be forced.  It can't be manipulated into being.  Trust comes with life and with experience.  It comes with a mind over matter mentality that says, "No matter what, God has my back and everything will be A-O-K."  But that is so difficult for me.  It's an agonizing process, and I envy those who have it.  Those people who have mastered the lifestyle of hope and faith and trust.  To me, the struggle has been life-long, and, ironically, even more difficult at times now that I have re-dedicated my life to God.  Isn't that terribly ironic or am I simply a terrible student?  Who knows other than God?

Hope and Faith are goals of mine.  I'm journeying along at this point....two steps forward, one step back; sometimes one step forward, three steps back.  It's agonizing this audacity that is required to be a hope-filled and faith-filled person in this world.  But ultimately the reward is eternal.  And that gives me hope. 

The Ignorance of Bliss...or Vice Versa?

There was a former student of mine who I admired greatly for her blissful ignorance to the world around her.  She was one of the happiest kids I have ever taught, and I chalked that up to her complete inability to see how she fit into the immediate world around her.  Because of that detachment, she never fell prey to the rumors, the gossip, the stress, and all the other day-to-day shenanigans of school life.  She was simply a "happy camper."  And I envied that.  I envied it because I saw how LIFE, in effect, beat down kids daily.  I saw how the stress of performing well in school and on the dreaded PSSAs sucked the enjoyment of growing up right out of the lungs and the souls of the kids.  I watched as betrayed friendships, nasty gossip, and verbal bashings beat away at the soft, fragile essence of the innocence of childhood.  Growing up, I realized, was a brutal affair.  Lost, the blissfulness of being ignorant to the ways of the world.  It's true, to a point at least, that ignorance is bliss! 
What is it about maturity and growing up that drags the soul of a person down into the abyss of uncertainty and  fear?  When and why do we get to a point where the infliction of comparing ourselves and our lives to that of others becomes a standard notion in day-to-day life?  When knowledge was of such a nature that we only needed to know the basics of life to keep us safe and secure in our immediate surroundings, life was uncomplicated and pure.  Blissful.  We were ignorant to the selfishness of the world.  Yes, we knew pain; but not the pain that comes from the heart.  Now I know the biology and physiology behind pain and know it truly doesn't come from the heart, but rather the mind.  Yet how many of us have felt heartache?  Pain that radiates from such severe emotional (and spiritual?) hurt that one can easily trace its origins to the bottom-most tip of his/her heart.  No, the pains we first knew were physical in nature.  They came from messages carried to the brain through the nervous system of  bodies to the brain so that could acknowledge the hurt.  The pain that comes from a burn, a cut, a brush burn, an illness, or even hunger-pangs.  These pains taught us about nature and about cause and effect:  touch a hot stove, you will get burned.  Fall off a bike, you will get cut.  Eat uncooked meat, well....good luck! 
We learned about the world but only within arms reach.  We remained ignorant to heartbreak.  To loss.  To jealousy.  To selfishness.  To discrimination.  To persecution.  To hate. 
But as we grew and expanded our reach so that our emotional fingertips stretched into the world, we started to come in contact with a terribly violent, unforgiving place.  We became aware. 
And awareness stole the ignorance of our youth away and replaced it with reality.  And that reality can be a scary, scary dimension. 
I have lived in this reality, this dimension, aware and cognizant of bad places this world has and holds, and I can become very resolute in my anger and hatred of it and towards it.  I suffer from these attacks partly for selfish reasons and partly because I know that every second of every day, another blissfully ignorant person is becoming aware.  And that saddens me.  Because that awareness can lead them to a hurt much more powerfully diabolical than any physical suffering.  Emotional pain is the worst kind of pain to know and experience.  It rattles all of your bones.  It exhausts all your energy and will to live.  It tears at logic and makes the illogical seem rational and sound.  It tempts you to become a shadow of what God designed you to be.  It coaxes you to hate, to envy, to lust, to lie, to short-cut, and to run astray from a life centered on God and His son.  It tells you to replace that unseen God with the tangible:  sex, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, TV, sports, food, clothing, lavish spending, and all the other addictions one can possess that self-edifices, self-promotes, and self-indulges.  Gone is the blissful ignorance of simply knowing Love and trusting in that love to keep you safe and secure.  Gone is the blissful ignorance that precludes doubt and distrust and uncertainty.  And in its absence, the pain from despair and loneliness and a misdirected life slowly creeps into our hearts, pinning the love that once so filled it to the sides of membrane tissue-thin and corroded.
There is a solution to this loss of ignorance.  Some will say Awareness is the answer.  Awareness of one's place in God's kingdom.  Awareness of one's place in the entire scheme of life and life-eternal.  But I cannot be a card-carrying member of that club for I believe that although Awareness is important, it is what we do with that Awareness that supersedes the enlightenment thereof.  See, once we become Aware, I feel that we need to unlearn what the world tries to teach us about life with that Awareness, for if we leave it to stew and ruminate in our hearts and minds, it, like the evil Maleficent and her magic apple, will poison us down to our very souls.  No, Awareness, is not the answer.  Ignorance is.

1 John 5:18-20 says:   18We know that no one who is born of God sins; but He who was born of God keeps him, and the evil one does not touch him. 19We know that we are of God, and that the whole world lies in the power of the evil one. 20And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ.

Once we rekindle our relationship with God and His Son, ignorance to this world will bring us back to the original design God intended for us.  Awareness perverts our judgment because with it comes a second-guessing...do we believe the love and bliss we had in the ignorance of our childhood given to us almost like a pilot-light of love by God himself or do we accept the reality of the world we have come to know and accept as "educated", experienced adults?   I am not saying we need to walk through this world asleep or in that foggy state between awake and sleep.  No.  We cannot close our eyes to the suffering in this world, rather, we need to be an advocate for Christ.  We need to crave that once ignorant blissful way we learned to love and hope and dream unadulterated by the sins of this world.  And now, as those reborn in Christ, we have found a rebirth in the love of Christ, the hope of His second coming and our eternal life with Him, and the dream of bringing as many people to Him who has loved us, yes, even though we are sinners. 

Ignorance is not an excuse to be lazy.  It's not a justification to do stupid things or to live lives without regard to the consequences of our actions.  No, ignorance is not a lack of intelligence or knowledge either.   On the contrary.  Ignorance in its truest sense is the beauty found in the knowledge that comes from that purest relationship with God and His son; simple; unfiltered, uncensored, unclouded by the lies, tricks, doubts, and perversions of this world.  It calls us back to the most intimate of relationships with God, found at the foot of the cross with us looking up at our Savior who has died for us and He looking down on us with love.  And it's that love that is in our hearts when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, and it's that love that is truly blissful.

Bleeding Me

I'm a Metallica fan.  Or at least I was.  I don't really listen to them on purpose anymore, but when I'm cutting grass or working out and a song of theirs happens to come on on my iPod mix, I listen enthusiastically.  The other day, "Bleeding Me" by the band came on as I was cutting my mom's grass, and with nothing better to do than follow behind while the machine did all the work, I listened a bit more intently (over the grinding sound of the motor and the blades) to the words.

I'm diggin' my way
I'm diggin' my way to something
I'm diggin' my way to somethin' better

I'm pushin' to stay
I'm pushin' to stay with something
I'm pushin' to stay with something better

I'm sowing the seeds
I'm sowing the seeds I've taken
I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted

This thorn in my side
This thorn in my side is from the tree
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted

It tears me and I bleed
And I bleed

There's more to the song, and much of the rest of it really doesn't pertain to what dawned on me.  But as I listened to the words I couldn't get away from the fact that they speak a lot of truth into where I am headed as a Christian and how I have come to view God.  Now, don't get mad or offended at my next statement.  Please be sure to read the rest before passing judgment.  But I cannot get rid of the idea that God makes a great leech.

Most people, myself included, would look upon a leech with mild to severe disgust.  Rightfully so.  They're not at all pleasant to look at, and what they do to you can be down right nasty.  But what I know about leeches is quite fascinating, and this why I am able to make the comparison between a leech and God.  

In ancient times, people would use leeches to try to cure people suffering from all sorts of medical issues.  They believed that leeches could "bleed" the sickness out of  someone who was ill.  

I believe God does that.  I do.  

In medieval times, doctors used millions of leeches each year to help treat patients suffering from various maladies.  The idea that leeches would bleed impurities and harmful illnesses out a person by pulling the harmful things out of them and taking these things into their own bodies seemed logical.

Doesn't God do that?  Doesn't He promise to remove the impurities in our own bodies--primarily our hearts and minds--and take them into Himself?  Didn't Jesus tell us that the burden was too much for us to bear, so He would take it from us?  Isn't that leech-like?

Modern medicine has found that the saliva of a leech actually has a chemical characteristic to it that allows blood to flow smoothly from a wound, slowing the clotting process.  By using leeches today, doctors are able to more efficiently reattach limbs, ears, fingers, toes, etc...that require the minute reconnect of veins that would, before the idea of using leeches, would commonly clot before the reattachment could take.   This would cause severe post-surgery clotting and venous engorgement which could permanently damage a person's body or, worse, lead to death.  

God is a lot like that.  God has a spiritual characteristic that allows love, grace, humility, and kindness to flow into and out of an otherwise hardened heart and soul.  By having God in our lives, it allows each of us to save the parts of ourselves that the world would otherwise destroy.  Without God, how much more at risk are we of losing our hearts?  Our minds?  Our souls?  And, ultimately, our eternal lives?  How easy would it be to allow the world to permanently damage us?  By having an intimate relationship with God, by going to church and fellowshipping with like-minded  and like-spirited people, by taking time for prayer, by taking more seriously your time with God and His Word, we are allowing Him to reconnect our disconnected lives to His.  The world will do us harm.  The world will damage us; it will sever our connections to and with God if we let it.  And even if we do stray, the God of the Universe, the Great Physician, like a leech, will willingly bleed the impurities out of us if and when we let Him.  He will increase the flow of his holy-oxygenated blood in our lives so that we can reattach ourselves to His side.  I believe that.  I am living that.

God's bleeding of me has been and continues to be a long, drawn-out process.  I've been sickened by this world quite a bit; and I still find myself falling into its lies and lures and eases.  God has had His work cut out for Him when it comes to dealing with the likes of me.  But every day God attaches another leech to me.  Slowly, painfully at times, I'm seeing the change and "pushing to stay".   "The thorn in my side is from the tree I planted" but God is helping to remove it, roots and all.  slowly.

The people He has put in my life who encourage me to persevere...leeches.

The church He has made me a part of...a leech.

The music I listen to nowadays; music with uplifting, inspiring words and messages...leeches.

My wife and children...leeches.

My friends...leeches. 

The books I'm motivated to read...leeches.

The Bible...a leech.

The Sunday Sermons...leeches.

Inexpressible wonders that I see in nature....leeches. 

Slowly, God is bleeding me.  I'll take it. I'll take the leech. 

I'm glad I'm not God

It's late and I can't sleep.

Too many things going through my mind.  One thought in particular stands out and that is this:  I'm glad I'm not God. 

I think many people would love to play the role of God, even if just for a week, a day, an hour?  Maybe.  But not me.  No, I don't want the heartbreak.

Imagine the pain you would have to feel if you were God.  Millions and millions of sons and daughters, each and every day, living lives that run counter to your wishes for them.  Thinking thoughts that are gray and misguided.  Doing things that bring you pain.  Saying words that don't reflect the love and hope and compassion and kindness that you wish for them to speak.  Perverting your rules and guidelines to make them fit into their idea of a healthy life. 

I think if I was God, I would end up doing a lot of crying.  Ceaselessly.  Nothing can hurt worse than watching your children fall.  Seeing them get hurt.  Observing the decisions they make each and every day and how those decisions bring them further from you rather than closer.  Knowing what's best for them; pleading with them to see, only to feel the chasm between you and them expand and deepen.  Knowing that if you chastise them you run the risk of pushing them further from you, yet allowing immoral and irresponsible behavior to continue will send them down that same path.  Fighting to keep them close only to have them push you away with more conviction.  Wanting them to need you yet seeing how independent from you they have become.  Wanting to give them their freedom yet watching with the utmost heartache as they pervert that gift into a life of sin and suffering and senseless wandering.  Calling to them but never being able to get them to listen.  Reaching for them and only grasping air.  Losing them and never really knowing if they will come back. 

God's job would be a bit too much like having your heart surgically removed from your chest.  You would have to be numb to everything.  You would need to not care or at least be completely indifferent and separated from the very things you create.  To survive as God, I think, would require you to be more like an insect or a sloth.  Nearly unaware.  Simply a being without feeling.  Instinctual rather than intellectual.  Apathetic as opposed to affectionate.  God would continue to be all-knowing but not all-caring.  All-powerful but not all-forgiving.  Concerned about process rather than people.  Singular rather than plural and never needing  reciprocity. 

Would it be simpler if  God was just a  sanitized manufacturer of life rather than a personal, loving deity?  I think it would be.  I might be more apt to sign up for that job.  There'd be a lot less pain; or at least pain that people would try to make sense of.   God's job would be so much easier and more straight-forward.  There would be much less drama.  Less confusion.  Less anger.  Less tears.  Less of everything.  Managing life would be more stream-lined and efficient.  Expectations would be clearer.  There would be little room for error and doubt, which would make life in general a lot less crazy and messed up.  I could go for that.

Alas, though, naysayers would argue that with less drama comes less laughter.

Less confusion would come less accomplishments.

Less anger would create less forgiveness.

Less tears would come less gratitude.

Less error and doubt would come less spirit of invention, less creativity, less ingenuity.  

Efficiency would lead to complacency.  Complacency would lead to boredom.  With boredom would come less responsibility.  Less vitality for life.  Less joy.

Clarity would lead certainly to a sense of independence and self-reliance.  Self-reliance would lead to a life without God.

Life without God would lead to chaos.

That would be the argument.  And I think the naysayers would have a point.

I'm not interested in being God.  There's just a bit too much involved with that sort of management.  Too much pain.  Too much to think about.  Too much to manage.   It's hard enough being a parent of four kids.  And maybe, just maybe, that's what this was truly all about.

Hint, Hint, Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink

I use to say those words to the kids in my classroom whenever I wanted to lead them to a certain answer or a certain line of thinking.  It was a way to get them to move in a direction that I knew would lead to some understanding or enlightenment, if you will.  Not that what I did in a classroom paralleled the work of Socrates or Plato or Shakespeare, but as teachers we try to impart some wisdom and some practical life lessons in between and underneath the curriculum (and the testing). But it was often very difficult for kids to "get there".  They wanted to take the easy way, the quick way, the painfree way.  THEIR way.  In fact, more times than not, my words of wisdom seemed to fall pointlessly by the wayside. 

I have found that God has borrowed my thinking...my methodology, if you will, in getting me to see how I should be living my life.  He's tweaked my "hints, and nudges, and winks" so that He can better direct me to that right, narrow path.    

He has claimed this "Hint, Hint..." thing as His own!  

God is sly.  He is one slick customer, and I am A-O-K with that!  I think the deity is ingenious!  But, I know that like the kids in my classroom, I can be a very stubborn, very deaf, very obtuse person when it comes to taking God's hints.   Thank the Lord, oh my Lord, that He is patient, kind, and above all understanding!  Let me tell you what happened to me about two weeks ago and how God "set me straight."   You may or may not agree with me on this one, and wither way I'm fine with, but I would like some honest dialogue, please...

So, a couple weeks ago I was faced with a very, very precarious situation.  A decision, if you will, but not a decision in the truest sense of the word.  I wasn't given the standard two choices; but, in my mind I created options that shouldn't have been there in the first place.  Without going into detail, because that's getting just a bit too personal, suffice it to say, I put myself in a situation that offered two distinct paths.  A right one.  And a wrong one.  A tough one.  And an easy one.  A God one.  And a me one.

I can be a very selfish, very self-centered person.  I like the things that benefit me--especially the ones that benefit me immediately.  I'm a think-last kinda guy.  Action: good.  Thought: bad.  It's taken me decades to first realize this and second, understand it and accept it. And because of that, I've painted myself into a lot of bad, hard-to-get-out-of corners.  Corners with sharp edges that haven't just negatively impacted me, but have taken there toll on the people in my life I love the most.

This situation I was in (self-made, by the way), had two possible choices:

Act or think.

My previous self was crying out to act.  Was screaming at the top of its lungs to charge forward with both hands on my impulses and just "go for it".  Test the water then dive in.  Run recklessly into a situation that I knew, knew, knew was wrong. 

My new self was begging for me to stop and think.  To find peace and comfort in prayer.  To wait.  To pray.  To ask God for help.  It grabbed both my hands, tore them free from my impulsivity, and placed them folded in front of me in supplication.

But it wasn't easy.  In fact, it was going to be near-impossible until God stepped in and indeed, hint, hinted...nudge, nudged...wink, winked.   Here's what the sly old dog did...

At my near breaking point; that place when I was so very close to caving into this terrible terrible temptation, the transmission went out on my car.  Now, He didn't leave me stranded.  in fact, the wily old veteran of awesomeness left me stranded at.....church. 

So now i'm obviously distracted.  I have a $2000.00 car bill.  That temptation?  Fairly far from my mind.

But it wasn't to be defeated so easily.  In fact, a large part of me got really, extremely upset with God.  "Huh!  I pray for You to lead me away from this temptation and You nearly blow up my car?!?!?  What kind of help is that?!?"

So that selfish, self-centered part of me said, "OK, God...you wanna play by those rules?  I'll show you!" And I put myself back into the old temptation playing field.  I wanted to show God who was really in charge! 

And you know what His response was?  "Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink"...here's a sinus infection. 

I haven't had a sinus infection in like 8 years!  But lo and behold, here one was!  Coughing.  Green snot.  Sore throat.  Exhaustion.  Nothing life threatening.  Just enough to distract me. 

Some will caution me and say God didn't cause the transmission in my car to go out.  God didn't give me a sinus infection.  Are you sure?  How does any of us really know what God does and doesn't do?  He does all things in love.  He directs.  He disciplines.  He protects.  I believe whole-heartedly that God was giving me hints.  He was pushing me away from myself. 

And it worked.  It did.  As the days went by, that temptation became less like a temptation and more like an opportunity to prove to God that with His help and with His guidance, I can defeat sin one sin at a time.  In days, I was thanking God rather than cursing Him or testing His patience.  I was listening to Him.  I finally got His hints.  I finally took His advice.  I took the right way.  The tough way.  His way.  And it became very easy to do. 

And can I tell you how good it feels?   Freeing.  Empowering!   Granted, I still don't have my car back and am stuck driving my mother's 1988Cadillac Fleetwood (which my middle school daughter particular likes being seen in....).  But tomorrow is suppose to be the pick up day for my car.  And when I pay that $2K bill for the transmission, believe me, I'm gonna be wondering why on earth ignoring God was so expensive!!!  But then again, it's only money.  It could've been worse.  Would've been worse.  Would've been alot more expensive had I listened to my selfish self.  Easy at first, but so, so difficult later.  More than a broken car and a cold.

With God, we always win in the end.  The money I paid in medicine and tissues and mechanics is nothing compared to broken families, broken hearts, broken trust.  Sin breaks everything it touches.  I wish I would've listened to God a lot earlier in life.  As I reflect back on my life, yes there's regret...but much of it comes from the knowledge that I made choices that made me happy, and me alone.  Decisions that were selfish and self-centered.  Decisions that broke people.  And I regret them not because of lost opportunities or chances, but because I can remember all the ways God gave me hints and nudges and winks and I chose to ignore them, and because of that, many people got hurt because of me.

1 Corinthians 10:13 says: "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

 I am living proof that this scripture is 100% Truth.  Enjoy the SOTD by Nine Lashes, who, incidentally, along with Seventh Day Slumber, is coming to our Community Day on Sept. 27 for a free show!

 

Lifetime Guarantees

"We all breath and we all bleed.  We get lost in between."  These are the opening lines to "Keep Me Breathing" by Ashes Remain. 

Those lines resonate within me.  For some reason.  We are born.  We die.  And in between we walk through life lost...searching for something...anything...to give us meaning.  At least I have.  My wife will admit that I have a very restive nature.  I'm not the most content person.  Not a fan of routine; especially a routine that doesn't really allow me to think, to create, to dwell on life around me.  I use to think I could thrive in a fast-pace, high-octane life.  Like those ones you see on TV and in movies.  The ones where these twenty- and thirty-somethings move through the congestion of their careers and families at such a break-neck pace yet seem so "collected"; so together.  I was, for a time, mind you, a bit envious about that life style. 
But now that my wife and I have four kids all involved in some sport or activity after school, two full time jobs (although many of my "friends" facetiously ask if what I do truly constitutes a real job!), and other volunteer activities, I've wholeheartedly decided that the "in between" fast-paced stuff some times really takes a toll on a person's emotional and physical stamina.  I couldn't do it all year round and stay sane.  I admit that.  I'm cool with it. 

I was thinking about the movie "Tommy Boy" the other day.  One of my all-time favorites.  May Chris Farley rest in peace, the man was a comedic genius!  He made the prospect of "living in a van down by the river" an attractive alternative...but there's a scene in the movie where a prospective customer wants to know why Tommy's car parts don't come with the word "guaranteed" on the box.  Watch the edited version here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MGTq0QHWCQ

I have always loved that part.  So unbelievably truthful.  It seems there are guarantees everywhere.  We seem to guarantee everything.  Joe Namath probably made the most famous of guarantees when he said his Jets would beat the highly favored Colts in Super Bowl III.  He and his Jets held true to that guarantee, but how many of those things really are legit?  And the Lifetime Guarantees are my favorite.  Lifetime Guarantees can be found on appliances.  On sporting goods.  On furniture.  On car parts.  On kids' toys.  Even on wool socks!  Yep, my son has a pair of wool socks that come with a lifetime guarantee!  No lie.  But whose life are we holding it against?  Mine?  My son's?  Billy Parker's, the skinny dude running the assembly line down at the factory?  The company CEO?  Why do we throw "lifetime guarantee" around like we need to say it in order to survive?  Why is it so adulterated?  Shouldn't we really just get rid of the phrase and be done with giving people false high expectations that things will work for a lifetime or they will get a replacement or their money back (as long as they have the original receipt)?  Can we move on?

There are three guarantees in life to my knowledge.  Three. 

You are born.

You will die.

In between your birth and death, you will have one vitally important choice.  To accept Christ as your personal savior or to deny Him.

That's it.  Three.  That "lostness" in between you being separated from your mother's placenta and you being placed in the ground or in an urn is a battleground.  It is a fight for your soul.  It is a war for your next life.  The replacement you get when this "lifetime guarantee" expires.  You want a brand new life when this one breaks, snaps in two, falls apart, or stops working properly?  Accept Christ.  Admit you are not God.  That you need Him.  That you need His Son in your life.  Right now.  Admit you cannot manage life on your own.  It's impossible to strive to be good without having a definitive moral compass.  That compass is God.  His Son is your guide.  Times will suck.  Times will be hard.  Hectic.  Terrible.  You will suffer.  You will get lost.  You will feel alone.  You will feel that there is a better life AWAY from God than WITH Him.  You will be tempted.  You'll fail.  You will sin, sin, sin because you are human.  However...WITH God, you are saved from all of these terrible spaces in between birth and death.  Because He never judges you.  He never hates you.  He never rejects you.  He never goes back on a promise.  He is love.  A love that never fails.  That's a guarantee.

Or you can reject God.  Deny His existence.  Pretend you don't need Him.  Hang with friends who care even less.  Live a life of sin without remorse.  Have no true North.  Feel lost but have no hope.  Fail without knowing that someone loves you even in that most desperate state. Covet, lust, curse, lie, steal without hope for forgiveness.  Knowing these things are wrong yet not understanding why each sin comes with a specific price tag of guilt with it.  But not understanding why you feel that guilt.  Not accepting that the reason is that there is a God who is trying to tug at your heart strings regardless of your resistance. You can look in the mirror and wonder what will happen to you when you die.  When your lifetime guarantee is over.  When you are too broken to breath.  Too weary to figure out what love is.  Too sick to heal.  Too far gone to beg for forgiveness.

Those are your three guarantees.

Life.

Death.

Decision. 

SOTD:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPA942OQ4nI

Tank Top Faith

If you have had the unfortunate experience of seeing me with a tank top on rather than a regular t-shirt, you've probably noticed the immense amount of body hair radiating from all corners, crevices, and curves from the waist up.  It's not a pretty sight.  "Friends" and family have asked curiously if I was shooting for a Sasquatch-esque appearance.  They've asked in a pseudo-concerned manner if my body was being attacked by flesh-eating ground squirrels.  I've heard it all.  And it's ok.  I'm fine with my BHO--body hair output.  Except the hair coming from my ears.  That's bothersome, but that's a story for another BLOG. 

I bring up body hair and tank tops, because this past Saturday myself and 8 others from Gravel Hill UMC returned from a short-term missions trip in Staten Island.  We were there helping with Hurricane Sandy clean-up.  Yes, that storm that hit the east coast 17 months ago.  Do you know that on Staten Island alone there are still scores of homes to be rebuilt, families without running water or electric, and people without a place to live or food to eat?  It's amazing the devastation that that storm caused; but more amazing is the fact that still after nearly two years there's so much work yet to be done.  One of the ladies that was with us on the trip reminded me that New Orleans is still not close to full-recovery from Katrina!  Terrible.

So why the body hair? Why the tank top?  Well, it dawned on me the other day  as I reflected on my experience on Staten Island that I still have a ways to go in my faith walk.  I was moved by the unselfish giving from the people in my group...their time off work, their money they gave up to pay for the trip and to pay for fuel to and from the island, their talents and gifts which were used over the three day period of the trip to finish off basements, siding, kitchens, bathrooms, etc...I was there shoulder-to-shoulder with these people doing what my limited skills allowed me to do; but what struck me the greatest was, in retrospect, how little I share my faith with people.  Yes I worked, but I'm not sure I shared anything inspirational with anybody.  Some may say that the work itself and the time I gave is enough...proof that I'm a faithful person.  But I'm not sold on that. 

You see, there were many people who I interacted with or who I heard talking who, to me, wore their faith on their sleeves.  Long sleeves.  They are confident in their walk with the Lord.  They know where God wants them to be and what He wants them to do.  They speak courageously about their faith and can quote verses from the Bible that pertain to any and all situations.  They trust God.  And through their words and actions, they live into a joy-filled life that only comes when there is an unspoken trust in God's plan in their lives. 

Me?  I don't wear my faith on my sleeve.  I'm the tank top guy.  Shirts without sleeves.  I don't walk boldly in my faith.  I question almost everything.  I'm happy but not joy-filled.  Content but not totally trusting in God's plan for me...or if He even has one laid out.  Is that bad?  I don't know.  I just don't know. 

I know I'm saved.  I'm saved because I believe in Jesus.  I believe He gave Himself up to redeem my sins.  I know He forgives me.  I know He loves me.  But I constantly get the sense that I have so much more room to grow.  Like I'm on the path, but just starting out.  I have a map but can't quite picture the destination.  Like wearing half a shirt.  A tank top.  The key parts are covered but I'm still missing the sleeves.  And in the summer, that tank top is very comfortable.  I can air out and not feel the sweaty restrictions of sleeves and armpit vents.  Like life, when the weather is good, my  convictions and faith are unquestionable.  But when the weather turns and it gets rainy, cold, or snowy, that tank top really stinks.  Yes my chest and back might be covered, but boy do my arms get exposed to the elements quickly.  And so it is with my faith.  That tank top faith.  It wavers during those dark, cold, rainy times.  It has no teeth.  No protection.  Not a fan of the tank top in the winter.  Not a fan of tank top faith. 

I like to cut my old t-shirts and make them tank tops.  They're comfortable to work out in and to do yard work in.  But I can't wear them all the time.  Don't wear them to work.  Don't wear them to my kids' events.  Try not to wear them on the rare date-nights Erin and I have.  I don't wear them to family gatherings, to church, or to any doctor appointments either.  There's a time and place for them.   But faith?   My faith can't be something that I put on and take off depending on the weather, the circumstance, or my mood.  Faith and comfort don't go hand in hand.  Maybe sometimes, but not often.  In fact, faith is at its best when things are uncomfortable.  That's when it protects.  That's when it warms.  That's when it harbors my heart and mind from the vicious elements in this world.  I need to work on wearing shirts with sleeves.  I need something to pin my faith on.  I need to be more outspoken with how I feel about God and what His plans are in and with my life.  That doesn't mean I'm going to stop wearing tank tops though.  Sorry.  But it does mean that I need to work on adjusting my spiritual wardrobe a bit.  With time, with experience, and simply by surrounding myself with people who love the Lord and can speak freely about the joy He brings them, I trust I can get some pretty neat long-sleeve shirts....

SOTD:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9WXUlERHKc&feature=kp

Christian Entitlement

I was thinking the other day about the words Pastor Smith spoke regarding his Sermon on Matthew 16: 23-26:

 
²³ Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. ²⁶ What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?


Pastor Smith reminded us about suffering and about sacrifice.  He reminded us that not once in the Bible does God say that because we believe in Jesus, because we call ourselves Christians, we will live a favored, care-free life.  John 16:33 says:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Even Paul boasts of his suffering in 2 Corinthians 11: 

I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. ²⁴ Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. ²⁵ Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, ²⁶ I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. ²⁷ I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.

As I reflected on these passages and on Pastor Smith's Sermon, I had to ask myself when and where did we as Christians adopt the notion that because we believe we are entitled to a certain pampering from the world?  Why do many of us---myself included---tend to think we should have little to no financial burdens?  Why do we think ourselves and our families should be excluded from the curse of diseases such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc...?  Why do we think our kids should be healthy and hard-working?  Why do we think day after day things should just fall into place?  I'm a Christian, what do you mean I'm getting a speeding ticket?  Doesn't God know I was late for work?  That I can't afford to pay the $120 fine?  Doesn't God know I don't have the time to be sick?  Doesn't He realize I'm a believer and that I don't have the energy to deal with problems with my kids or their teachers or their coaches or their homework, attitude, or apathy?  Why is life turning out to be difficult for me, God, if I am one of Yours? 
God never promised us wealth.  He never promised us a healthy, easy life.  He never promised us that we would lead a life free of problems, calamities, disasters, death, disease, and heartache...just because we pull the name badge out of our desk that says, "Hi, I'm a Christian,"  There is no Christian equivalent to the HOV lane that will allow our exclusive club members to coast through life passing by all those "other people" as they suffer and wrestle with the world.  This isn't a Country Club mentality where we can argue that because we come to church a few Sundays a month and contribute money to the offering plate and occasionally volunteer to help out we should automatically be catered to by God. 

Here's what God has promised us:
Philippians 4:19:  And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.  He promised to meet our needs not our wants and earthly desires.  God desires our spiritual well-being, not our earthly well-being.  And like a good parent who truly knows what is best for his/her child, so it is with God who knows what is best for each of us.

Mark 16:16:  Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.  God promises salvation to those who believe and are baptized in that faith.

2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  He promises us sufficient grace and mercy.  His grace is His gift to us so that we can be more effectively equipped to deal with the troubles and tribulations in this world.  See also Ephesians 2:8:  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

Romans 8:28:  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.  God promises to work through us who believe in Him to do good in this world.  He will use us to bring about His will and His mercy to a fallen world.

1 Corinthians 15:56-57:  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  God has promised us victory over death.  He has promised us resurrection. 

Acts 2:38:  “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."  God has promised us that if we truly come to Him with a repentive heart, our sins are forgiven us.  He has promised us the gifting of the Holy Spirit. 

John 10:27-28:  ²⁷ My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. ²⁸ I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.  God promises us that once we are His, we will always be His and no power on this earth can take us from Him.

and most importantly....

John 3:16:  ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  Through the gift of His son, Jesus Christ, God has promised us eternal life with Him.

You see, nowhere does it say wealth.  Nowhere does it describe a cakewalk or anything remotely close to ease.  Just because we believe, God does not say we will be taken care of on this earth.  Christians in general and American Christians in particular need to not be lulled into a state of entitlement.  "I am so therefore I deserve."  No.  Just because "you are" doesn't mean squat.  It's what you do with your "you" that's important to God.  It's the spiritual "you" that matters.  So what, you're a Christian...now what?  What are you going to do about that?  When was the last time that your faith led you to be...

1.  Challenged openly by non-believers for being a Christian?
2.  Called into the wilderness to fast for 40 days?
3.  Tempted by Satan yet you did not give in to the sin?
4.  Thrown in jail, imprisoned, starved, beaten, and abuse because your faith runs counter with mainstream culture?
5.  Betrayed by people closest to you because of your beliefs?
6.  Spat on, beaten, publically ridiculed, and insulted?
7.  Scourged 39 times?
8.  Crowned with a wreath of inch-long thorns?
9.  Forced to carry a cross?
10.  Nailed to a cross and hung left to die for all the world to see?

Have you had to experience any of these things?  I know I haven't.  And what I need to remember about my faith and my oft-visited self-pity party in which I wonder why I don't get this, that, or the other thing...why God hasn't "blessed me" in a way I see fit...when I get to those moments, it would be healthy for me to remember that I live a pretty good life...a very blessed one, in fact, and until I experience all of the things listed above, I have no room for complaining or feeling entitled. 
. 

The Attraction of Distraction

I can be easily distracted.  In fact, I find distraction sometimes an attractive alternative to routine.  I can't say I'm an expert at multi-tasking, but I do enjoy a good exercise in juggling every so often.  I am aware of this fetish, if you will, with being distracted.  I like the challenge of trying to keep track of lots and lots of things.  Maybe that's why my wife and I ended up with 4 kids?  Of course, biology had something to do with that, as well; however, at the end of the day, when all the kids are tucked in bed sleeping, all the things are checked off the mental checklist in my head, and I can think back on all my wife and I accomplished just to "get through the day", I'd be lying if I said there wasn't just a little bit of pride. 
I also know distractions play a role in what we deem important.  Personal distractions like going out with friends, playing sports, coaching, etc...are things we might not view as negative activities.  It's the "me time" we all need to re-energize and re-focus.  But how much of that is truly unnecessary?  How much of that takes away from times we could and should be giving back to God?  Do I chose to be distracted by these things instead of participating in a week night Bible Study?  Do I allow my self to say "yes" to coaching when I know I will then end up missing many Sunday services or Wednesday services during Lent of Advent?  Do I commit  half-heartedly as a volunteer to a small local missions group yet knowing that if something better and "more entertaining" comes along I plead ignorance to my prior commitment or simply say "I can't help any longer"?   Do I choose to spend my time watching my favorite TV show rather than picking a chapter or two in one of the many books of the Bible and just reading it over and meditating about it?  I know I am guilty of several of these things.  It's hard to break the routine of distraction and re-vamp my life so that I place a greater importance on God-things rather than human-things. 
Are you financially distracted?  I've come a long way in this department, but I still find myself throwing money at things that are basically distractions.  The money I have isn't really mine.  it belongs to God.  He has blessed me with it; yet, I continue to not hesitate giving that money away in exchange for a few coffees a week, a car wash here and there, fast food, Shamrock Shakes, fantasy football, wings, and other stupid things that I really don't need.  I actually have a budget that I stick to pretty consistently; but, routine breeds boredom, it seems, and every so often  I allow myself to get distracted and throw money away. 
Distractions are a perfect blend of fun and frenzy.  We can get addicted to a the distractive way of life.  And they are everywhere!  We find them on the TV.  On our "smart phones.  On the radio.  When we are on the sidelines of our kids' sporting events.  On the billboards along the side of the roads we drive on.  We have become so use to distractions that in some way they are becoming routine.  Like that saying, "the only thing that is consistent about me is that I'm inconsistent."  The play on words becomes the new reality.  And before we know it, we start priding ourselves on our ability to multi-task and manage distractions in a very efficient way.  It becomes a badge of honor among parents to brag how involved their kids are in 18 hundred different things.  We throw bumper stickers on our cars to show the world how many places we've gone and what we can throw our money at.  We post on Facebook all the little triumphs and conquests and accomplishments, even if it's what we simply consumed for breakfast or bought at the store, and post it to prove we are busy, we are managing, we are succeeding, we are the masters of distraction.  We wear our race shirts and vacation shirts and our souvenir hats to showcase our achievements.  We are very good at advertising our own amazing ability to deal with distractions.
But is that a good thing?   if it is; if we are so good at it; if it's something we thrive on....
then why is the sound of silence so refreshing?
why do find ourselves wishing to "get away"?
why do so many of us wish things were "like they were in the old days"?
why is the quiet awakening of a summer morning so soothing?
why does the sound of crickets chirping at twilight elicit such a sense of calm?
why is the simply beauty of a crackling fire on a fall evening so alluring to us?

To me, I think God uses those moments to bring us back.  To collect what is His and wrap us in those calm, serene arms of His and simply sooth us with the reassurance that we are just perfect to Him the way we are.  He doesn't care about bumper stickers or bowling trophies.  He could care less how many things we can fit into each day.  If you run a marathon or simply take a quiet walk through a park, it's all the same to Him.  You get no trophies in Heaven for your ability to multi-task your way through this life.  God simply loves you.  He wants to be your only distraction.  He wants your time and attention and focus.  He is jealous for it. 
If we can all just get distracted from our distractions for a while...replace the routine of always trying to do everything with just allowing God to move in and through you to where He wants you to be, maybe we can accomplish more than we are accomplishing now.  We could love more.  give more.  care more.  pray more.  reflect more.  laugh more.  be more thankful. maybe...just maybe, we could be more. 

I love this song by Toby Mac...sorta sums up the feeling of a distraction-free life....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldXVmKvUExw

Luke 15:32

The parable of the prodigal son is one of my favorites.  ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.

Those words by Jesus resonate so deeply within me every time I read them. 

 I once was lost, but now I'm found
I once was lost, but now I'm found
So far away, but I'm home now
I once was lost, but now I'm found

 

These words are from Casting Crown's song, "And Now My Lifesong Sings."  Again, simple yet profound.  Basic, nothing fancy, but somehow they speak into me in a way words cannot describe.  I think that's why I am so drawn to movies and books that deal with people who stray so far to the left to even the point of death but then through some act of courage from within or from someone who loves them, they are saved; they overcome some terrible circumstance and wind up being stronger than they ever thought possible.  Maybe that's why I love the original Star Wars Trilogy so much.  Or am drawn to Bat Man or Iron Man...someone with a tragic flaw that makes them vulnerable and too human yet is somehow able to overcome  some giant hurdle even despite themselves and their propensity to do the things they know they should not or cannot avoid doing.  Hard to explain.  

 

I like the idea that God is always there.  Here.  Now.  Sitting beside me as I type this blog.  Possibly watching my fingers as I am doing now, smiling a bit with the work He has created in me.  Knowing with certainty (while I haven't a clue) just where I am heading in the next few minutes, few hours, few days, few weeks....you get the picture.    It's comforting knowing He is here. 

 

I was watching my youngest son the other day as he was sitting on the couch quietly reading his homework:  Take-Home Reading Book.  I was just staring at him, enjoying his lips moving every so slightly as he read to himself.  Watching his forehead crinkle a bit as he struggled trying to pronounce a word.  Watching as his eyes grew wide when he got to a cool part about Hercules. I felt such love for that little boy!  I mean, I always do, but there was something so powerfully innocent in those moments.  I didn't think he knew I was watching him, but then he suddenly looked up at me and smiled.  I smiled back. 

 

And as I sit here typing this, I imagine that God is sitting there watching me.  Here.  Now.  Catching the nuances of my face as I talk myself through this post.  Watching my eyebrows move up and down.  Noticing how I tend to bite my lower lip when I'm trying to get just the right words to work.  And I'm thinking He is looking upon me with the same exact love and tenderness I looked upon Eli.  And that's comforting.  Because I know with 8000% certainty I would die for my kids.  That little boy reading on the couch?  I'd die for him.  In an instant.  No question.  And if I look upon my son that way, how much more does God look upon me?  He already paid that price, in fact.  And I stand amazed that He did that for me, a sinner.  A lost one.  One who sprinted out the proverbial church door as soon as I was old enough to do so.  A sinner who wanted nothing to do with church or religion.  A distrusting, lazy sinner who cared for nothing but himself.  Lost.  But now found. 

 

God is here now.  And all the lies I have been told by the world...all the promises of contentment in things and happiness in a worldly lifestyle; all the talking heads who beg me to think this and feel; all the fast-paced guilt-ridden tauntings of "you're not good enough if you're not doing.....", "you're not important enough if you don't have....", "you're not living if you don't believe...."...blahblahblah.....the prodigal son came home. 

 

SOTD:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmeI7bjUSWY

Future Tense God

I want to first of all thank everyone who responded via Facebook to my post yesterday.  Truth be told, I did not intend to post something that made it appear that i was in this inconsolable pit of despair.  That isn't the case, and  I apologize if I gave that impression.  I just needed to vent.  I needed to spill out a bit of the gunk inside me; sorta babble my way through self-therapy.  I realize that I have it very, very good.  In fact, I am blessed in so many ways that to try to list them all would be a taunting task.  Many of you who responded to the post have faced and lived through so terrible times; held up against mine, there would be no comparison.  Some of you are going through crummy times right now; also, held against mine, no comparison.  I get that.  I understand that.  And I have prayed for many of you as I have gotten to know the pain and struggles you have or are going through.  Mine are childish in comparison.  In fact, I have to relate an ironic little story.  Last night, my wife proceeds to tell me what happened to a friend of ours.  This past weekend she was in Virginia at her daughter's field hockey tournament.  She gets slammed in the head by a field hockey ball right behind her right ear.  Blood everywhere.  Gets taken to the ER.  8 stitches and a lot of pain medication.  They get home.  Pain meds are out.  Husband has to go out in search of a pharmacy open on a Sunday and ends up in Harrisburg at a 24 hour clinic.  Gets home.  Suddenly the family hears what sounds like gunfire coming from their backyard.  Husband rushes everyone down to the basement and calls 911.  Police show up and can't find anything or anyone.  Wife is still in terrible pain.  Both are teachers and report cards are due this week.  So much chaos.  I have it easy.
 I guess the issue with me is that perception is reality.  I perceive regret therefore I experience bitterness about the choices I have made.  There is that saying that even though we may not have it as bad as the next person, the pain we experience in nonetheless real.  Does it hold significance?  Yes, it must, because it affects each of us in its own personal way.  And the devil is sly.  He knows what hurts each of us the most.  He sends his little demons of Regret, Doubt, Lust, Gluttony, Selfishness, Anger, Apathy, Despair...he sends them out and attacks each of us where we are.  When we let our guard down, the devil knows.  He is slick.  And cunning. 
But the responses I got yesterday did help me to remember that our God is not a god of the past.  He is a Future Tense God for He doesn't not dwell on what we have done in the past, but instead focuses on where He is taking us.  And He will take us.
He will be by our sides.
He will walk with us near still waters and never let us go.
He will never leave us.
He will never deceive, betray, or disown us.
He will hold us accountable for our actions but in a loving, Fatherly way.
He will forgive us.
He will not hold a grudge or keep tabs on all our wrong-doings.
He will guide us by allowing us to make decisions, make mistakes, make blunders...He did not make us robots but humans.
He will love us unconditionally.
He will strengthen us in our lowest hour, cry with us when we are on our knees in despair, rejoice with us during our greatest victories.
He will walk us through the Wildereness.
He will greet the lost of us who finally come home.

Yes, God is a Future Tenser.  I like that.  Because living in the past can kill a person.

Again, thanks for all the comments, love, prayers, and openness!

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhLYNGAjQLI

Past Tense Gods

I have to admit.  I've been in a pretty bad funk lately.  I can't put my finger on the exact reason why.  I have my health.  My family is very healthy.  I have a good job.  Great friends.  I can pay my bills.  I have clean water whenever I wish for it.  Plenty of food.  A non-leaking, warm roof over my head.  I have a God who loves me.  So this funk I am in bothers me because I cannot for the life of me figure out what's going on. 

I had an inclination at one point today.  It could've been fleeting, like many of my thoughts and "wonderful ideas", but it stuck.  Maybe this is the issue. 

I sometimes get in these valleys--these low, low points.  Not quite depression, I hope, but maybe it is and I live in denial.  Who knows.  Regardless, these lows are very painful.  They fill me with a blackness that covers everything in a filmy coating.  Laughter isn't as belly-full.  Talking with friends isn't as genuine.  Interacting with my family seems shallow.  It's odd.  So what came to me was this idea of "past".  I do admit that I find myself trying to relive past moments...the shoulda, coulda, woulda times when one decision I made over another may now, in the light of hindsight, have been the wrong one.  Most people call it "regret".  I hate that word.  It's my least favorite R word.  It's a terrible word.  Synonymous with JAIL or PRISON.  Because when I find myself in these blackened moods, it's oftentimes because of regret. 

I'm not saying that I wish my life was different because then that would short-change God and His infinite wisdom.  I guess what bothers me the most about my life are the habits I've formed, tendencies I've created, and philosophies I've chosen to live by that are now running counter to where I believe God is taking me.  All because of past decisions that I made prior to wanting to take my faith life much more seriously. 

I'm a perfectionist at heart. I find I expect a lot out of myself.  Most of this is internal because to look at me, I could care less what I look like on the outside.  I'm quite content with sweats, t-shirt, sneakers, and maybe the occasional combed hair look.  But inside I do demand perfection from myself and get highly agitated when I feel like I've done something second-rate.  Raising kids--especially teenagers--and being a perfectionist do not make good bed-fellows.  Parenting has stretched the boundaries of how serious I want to take myself.  And although I have come quite a long way, I still have so, so far to go, and I believe my low times stem from the regrets I have about my parenting decisions, my childhood, and my habit-forming tendencies when faced with adversity. 

I decided today that REGRET is a Past Tense God.  It is a God that truly competes for my attention on a daily basis.  A single quick argument with my 15 year old son can conjure up this God in an instant.  A balance of $22 in my checkbook conjures that God up, too.  Talking with friends and reliving our childhood--things I missed coming from a broken home--calls that old God of Regret up, as well.  So many instances, like sacrificing on an alter or lighting incense and praying fervently, call that God up.  Why does that God respond so quickly when my true God, the God of this universe, take so long so often to answer prayers or to make Himself known?  Why is the God of Regret so accessible when it lives only in the past?  I can get very very frustrated and angry when I focus too much on this.   I can shout out to God and say, "Why is being a Christian such hard work?!?"  Convenience is not a Christian word.  God doesn't work on conveniences.  That bothers me. 

But the thing about God is this:  He doesn't worry about my past.  He doesn't worry that I have little satisfaction when I reflect on my childhood.  He doesn't concern Himself with all the failures and faults I've chalked up to immaturity, rash decision-making, or selfishness that comes with being human.  God cares about the now and the tomorrow.  He wants us where we are---right here and now, this very second---and He wants to work with us and through us to create a future that is unique to each of us.  God cares about the fact that suffer through bouts of regret.  He probably is pretty jealous that I devote long periods of my life bowing to Regret instead of Him.  But He is the Light.  Despite my being blinded by the darkness of regret right now, God knows my today.  He knows my tomorrow.  He is my Light and He will lead me home. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs6blSoUmJ4